Did I ever tell you....
...about the one legged homeless man I saw last week? Well, if I didn't, I'm going to now. As you know, I'm not the nicest person on the planet. I do not go out of my way to be nice to people. The other day at lunch...I'm walking down the street, and there is a one-legged homeless man sitting on the steps of a local business. I see homeless folks all the time, and I don't make donations unless they are playing an instrument (yes, even if they suck, I'll pitch in some cash). So at anyrate, I walk by this guy. And my friend stops me 3 feet away, and is like "OMG you just kicked over his change cup."
Yes I had. I had kicked over this guys change cup, spilling the contents all over the sidewalk. I was absolutely mortified. I felt so horrible you wouldn't believe. I proceeded to pick up every last cent that I inadvertantly spilled, and also, emptied all the change from the bottom of my purse, AND gave the guy my last buck that I had on me. After all that, I brought the cup to the man, apologized profusely. He didn't speak to me. He glanced at the cup, gave me a nod to place it on the ground next to him. That was it. So...my semi-good deed meant squat, unless, he was a mute and deaf or something. Yes, I still feel guilty over this incidient, and I would probly give this guy more money if I ever saw him again. Jewish guilt sucks. I guess what I'm trying to say is, that I'm glad I gave up my New Years resolution 2 days into the new year, or I would probably have more stories like this to tell.
Being nice has gotten me no where. GRRRRRR
09 March, 2008
HAPPY PISS ON SHARON DAY!!! I'd like to thank all of you who participated in this special event. The event was a true sucess. Hopefully, all the people who pissed on me today, will show up again next year, AND bring their friends too.
Sarcasm..one of the greatest things ever. Yes, today sucked bigtime. I'm still waiting for the next person to whip it out and piss on me. Grrrrrrrr.... It started of as a great Monday...I mean, I willingly got out of bed!! I mean, I did get a good morning text message from a special *friend*, so that helped...But...after that...all downhill from there. Hate to sound like a whiny chick but man, what could have went wrong did!!
I get to work...the office is boiling hot!! I got there before the HVAC kicked in too, so I had to wait a good half hour before I got some fresh air, and you know you can't open the windows in a high rise office building. You'd swear I was menopausal. (But, we know better now, don't we).
So after that, it gets better, I hear from my mother, the guy I live with. Open yer' mouth Sharon, I gotta piss.
Seems that I'm feeling better now, comic relief or sheer exhaustion, who knows. Here's to
a better tomorrow, and again, I'd like to thank you all for coming out to Piss on Sharon Day!!!
Sarcasm..one of the greatest things ever. Yes, today sucked bigtime. I'm still waiting for the next person to whip it out and piss on me. Grrrrrrrr.... It started of as a great Monday...I mean, I willingly got out of bed!! I mean, I did get a good morning text message from a special *friend*, so that helped...But...after that...all downhill from there. Hate to sound like a whiny chick but man, what could have went wrong did!!
I get to work...the office is boiling hot!! I got there before the HVAC kicked in too, so I had to wait a good half hour before I got some fresh air, and you know you can't open the windows in a high rise office building. You'd swear I was menopausal. (But, we know better now, don't we).
So after that, it gets better, I hear from my mother, the guy I live with. Open yer' mouth Sharon, I gotta piss.
Seems that I'm feeling better now, comic relief or sheer exhaustion, who knows. Here's to
a better tomorrow, and again, I'd like to thank you all for coming out to Piss on Sharon Day!!!
01 March, 2008
MASTERCARD
You gotta love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper andeven Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a large wedding with about 300 guests...At he reception after the wedding, the groom got up on Stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyonefor coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his Bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man' s reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" Commercial out of this: Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends.........$32,000. Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.....$3,000 Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui....$8,500 The look on everyone's face when they see the>> 8x10 glossy of the bride and the best man having sex..........Priceless. There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD
You gotta love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper andeven Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a large wedding with about 300 guests...At he reception after the wedding, the groom got up on Stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyonefor coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his Bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here."He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man' s reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" Commercial out of this: Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends.........$32,000. Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.....$3,000 Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui....$8,500 The look on everyone's face when they see the>> 8x10 glossy of the bride and the best man having sex..........Priceless. There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD
27 February, 2008
Open Mouth, insert foot
Yep...thats what I did today. I was sitting in a chair outside of Starbucks this afternoon. There was a woman sitting outside, who I see frequently, as she works in my office buiding. So she asked me about "weirdo # 2" who will be reffered to in the future as "Future Mayor of Hartford".
So she brought up the whole money thing...apparently this guy told her that he had a wad of money in his pocket. I told her that I counted it as he continuously played with it, and told her how much it was ($25)...At some point, I made a joke stating that he was probably on his way to or from the Gold Club (local strip club)...or from the Polo Club (local gay/lesbian bar)...
She didn't like that comment. I thought it was funny. She should have too, but she doesn't know me. At any rate, let me tell you about this woman...double take for you to realize that it is indeed a woman. She's very masculine, and probably a lesbian. I'm not here to judge, my sister is a lesbian. My favorite person is gay (Bruno the gay starbucks barista). I have nothing against that lifestyle at all. Whatever floats your boat.
Ok, so as soon as I finished the word Polo Club...she began to semi-lecture me about it being ok for people to be who they are....etc. Yea I felt bad, kind of. I don't think that comment was derrogatory in any way. I still don't feel bad enough to apologize, or explain my feelings about it....whatever lady. To each his own. Get a grip right.
So after that mini-lecture we continued to chat about this guy. Even she agreed that this guy was an a strange cat, she also felt that he was always bitching about someone, and that he should listen to himself. I think he should get a George (imaginary friend), who always listens, and never tries to talk. he he he.
Up until this afternoon I hadn't seen him since last week. Unfortunately, he was outside as I was leaving to go home. Thankfully, at 530, you can just say, sorry running late no time to talk. I'm sure he cursed me until I was out of sight, but I really didn't have time for his latest campaign speech. I'm not a Hartford resident!!!
Yep...thats what I did today. I was sitting in a chair outside of Starbucks this afternoon. There was a woman sitting outside, who I see frequently, as she works in my office buiding. So she asked me about "weirdo # 2" who will be reffered to in the future as "Future Mayor of Hartford".
So she brought up the whole money thing...apparently this guy told her that he had a wad of money in his pocket. I told her that I counted it as he continuously played with it, and told her how much it was ($25)...At some point, I made a joke stating that he was probably on his way to or from the Gold Club (local strip club)...or from the Polo Club (local gay/lesbian bar)...
She didn't like that comment. I thought it was funny. She should have too, but she doesn't know me. At any rate, let me tell you about this woman...double take for you to realize that it is indeed a woman. She's very masculine, and probably a lesbian. I'm not here to judge, my sister is a lesbian. My favorite person is gay (Bruno the gay starbucks barista). I have nothing against that lifestyle at all. Whatever floats your boat.
Ok, so as soon as I finished the word Polo Club...she began to semi-lecture me about it being ok for people to be who they are....etc. Yea I felt bad, kind of. I don't think that comment was derrogatory in any way. I still don't feel bad enough to apologize, or explain my feelings about it....whatever lady. To each his own. Get a grip right.
So after that mini-lecture we continued to chat about this guy. Even she agreed that this guy was an a strange cat, she also felt that he was always bitching about someone, and that he should listen to himself. I think he should get a George (imaginary friend), who always listens, and never tries to talk. he he he.
Up until this afternoon I hadn't seen him since last week. Unfortunately, he was outside as I was leaving to go home. Thankfully, at 530, you can just say, sorry running late no time to talk. I'm sure he cursed me until I was out of sight, but I really didn't have time for his latest campaign speech. I'm not a Hartford resident!!!
24 February, 2008
UMS
Also known as, USELESS MALE SYNDROME. Yes I'll admit it, I've been in a manhating mood these days...(gotta be b/c I've been dating lately)....but thats over... I can't handle dating and playing "the game" argh. blah.
So UMS is a horrible disease to have. Luckily us girls can't get it, but man, its hell to deal with. I am up to my ears with UMS sufferers. My son suffers from it. My boss suffers from it. My other male coworkers suffer from it. Its terrible. Its like umm "hello...shall I begin to breathe for you too?" Sometimes, men are totally fucking useless. When men are in remission of this disease, they aren't even nice to look at, no matter how hot they are.
So...I've compiled a list of symptoms that will tip you off to a relapse of UMS...when you see any of these, run, and wait it out. There are more symptoms to let you know that the relapse is over, and you can resume normal contact....
RUN if:
Also known as, USELESS MALE SYNDROME. Yes I'll admit it, I've been in a manhating mood these days...(gotta be b/c I've been dating lately)....but thats over... I can't handle dating and playing "the game" argh. blah.
So UMS is a horrible disease to have. Luckily us girls can't get it, but man, its hell to deal with. I am up to my ears with UMS sufferers. My son suffers from it. My boss suffers from it. My other male coworkers suffer from it. Its terrible. Its like umm "hello...shall I begin to breathe for you too?" Sometimes, men are totally fucking useless. When men are in remission of this disease, they aren't even nice to look at, no matter how hot they are.
So...I've compiled a list of symptoms that will tip you off to a relapse of UMS...when you see any of these, run, and wait it out. There are more symptoms to let you know that the relapse is over, and you can resume normal contact....
RUN if:
- Can you...any question that starts with can you means, I'm useless and wont do it myself
- Honey...see above, but note that its usually in a whiny tone
- Why...any question that starts with why means, I dont like it, get rid of it.
- When...can...BAD i.e. when you get home from work, can you make dinner
MISSED YOU SEX if:
- Lets...any statement that starts with Lets means, you will be doing something TOGETHER
- When...lets...GREAT i.e. when you get home from work, lets get some movies and hang out
- I will, I have, I can...all forward thinking statements of things he plans on doing w/ or for you
- Can I...see above.
My mental capacity to write this post has diminished, ever so much. And I apologize. It was going to be really good too!!!
Anyway...a little update, if you can't tell, I'm sick of dating, already, and its only been like what 2 weeks. I seriously don't have enough time to date. Its tooo much work, and I already have 2 jobs. And I'm a mom...I think its just because I'm not really ready for it all at once. I've gotta slow down a bit.
I went to a concert in NYC last night, at the Knitting Factory. I saw, MINUS THE BEAR. This band is totally awesome. I seriously lack the capacity for details....but I was hyped even for the freaking sound check. I know RM wants more. but damn, the song names don't really relate to the song...and they are pretty long as it is. It was awesome. I'm a music nut. That being said, I had a fantastic time from the first cord to the last... :-D good times good times. Got home really late though. But thats okay, I can live on 2 hours sleep...at least I am living on it right now.
Hey Barbie, CONGRATS. Email me details girl!
23 February, 2008
TRIBUTE TIME!!
Seems like all I do is bitch about people sometimes. And I guess I take the most awesome people for granted some times too. So here is a tribute to someone that I haven't known that long, but I feel like I've known them forever.
There are so many fantastic things that I'd like to say to you, but maybe i'm too embarassed. I'm probly too embarassed to let you know what a fixture you've become in my life. I'm too independent to need a fixture. And I'm not talking about a chintzy light swtich, I'm talking about a grand wall sconce. (he he he). I guess you want to know what makes you so great huh? I can't really put it in to words really. I will try my damndest, but I'm not sure what its going to sound like.
Well. For starters, you are there. And thats the most important part! There when I need you, there when I don't. Seems as though your just waiting in the wings for me to need you, or just to shoot the breeze. I've shared more things with you than I've shared with anyone, not even my best friend. You are sooo good to me. I cannot even begin to reciprocate your kindness. I'm not that good of a person. I will never be as good as a person as you have been to me. NEVER EVER. I think I'm too selfish for that. Ok, I pretend to be selfish, but I'm really not, i just don't know how to give...
So again, I'm at a loss for words. And this sounds really fucking corny, but damn you fucking rock hardcore. You da' bomb. This is kinda sappy....but you get the idea. Don't You??
s
Seems like all I do is bitch about people sometimes. And I guess I take the most awesome people for granted some times too. So here is a tribute to someone that I haven't known that long, but I feel like I've known them forever.
There are so many fantastic things that I'd like to say to you, but maybe i'm too embarassed. I'm probly too embarassed to let you know what a fixture you've become in my life. I'm too independent to need a fixture. And I'm not talking about a chintzy light swtich, I'm talking about a grand wall sconce. (he he he). I guess you want to know what makes you so great huh? I can't really put it in to words really. I will try my damndest, but I'm not sure what its going to sound like.
Well. For starters, you are there. And thats the most important part! There when I need you, there when I don't. Seems as though your just waiting in the wings for me to need you, or just to shoot the breeze. I've shared more things with you than I've shared with anyone, not even my best friend. You are sooo good to me. I cannot even begin to reciprocate your kindness. I'm not that good of a person. I will never be as good as a person as you have been to me. NEVER EVER. I think I'm too selfish for that. Ok, I pretend to be selfish, but I'm really not, i just don't know how to give...
So again, I'm at a loss for words. And this sounds really fucking corny, but damn you fucking rock hardcore. You da' bomb. This is kinda sappy....but you get the idea. Don't You??
s
18 February, 2008
BAR HOPPIN'
So I had a fantastic weekend....of course, I haven't been out bar hopping in a long long long long time. So, Saturday night, I went out with a girlfriend of mine. It was a total blast...However...did notice some totally bizzarre pick up lines....If thats even what you want to call them.
"Who lies more, women or men?" Seriously dude, you are going to approach two chicks, and ask that question? Ultimately, my answer was women...(Age, Weight). But that was beside the point. Men dont necessarily lie, they just leave out details. Whatever. So this fucking dude had to be the MOST ANNOYING pain in the ass ever. He repeatedly tried to take pictures with his stupid camera phone. He must have a really flattering photo of my hand. Anyway, he then says, "lets play Fuck, Marry, Kill". Granted, we are in a bar, with really lighting. I honestly can't judge this game based on looks alone. So that's definately out of the question. Now, he's like, so what are you for halloween, HELLO, I'm not fucking dressed up. AT ALL. I rebutted with "i'm a bitch" ;-) This guy had no clue. He ran off to go buy a drink, so my friend and I went out side to smoke. When we returned, so did he. Poor bastard. It was at that point, when my friend went into this long dissertation on how flies are annoying, and made the comparision between him and a fly. He didn't get it....We decided it was best to ignore him.
Whatever.....The bar scene really really isn't my thing. But it was fun anyhow. I must say, that some women really give us all a bad bad name. Bar bathrooms aren't the cleanest place in the world, but damn damn damn damn some chicks are just fucking disgusting. I'm not going to get into all the gory details. But lets just say, I would rather pee in a porto potty than in that bathroom. To add insult to injury, there was a girl in there, taking pictures of the disgusting mess....wonder if she's going to post it to her blog???
Carved pumpkins last night with Dylan. It was fun, and messy. Trick or Treat night tonite. I'm kinda dreading it, but at least the weather won't be totally cold.
Happy Monday!
So I had a fantastic weekend....of course, I haven't been out bar hopping in a long long long long time. So, Saturday night, I went out with a girlfriend of mine. It was a total blast...However...did notice some totally bizzarre pick up lines....If thats even what you want to call them.
"Who lies more, women or men?" Seriously dude, you are going to approach two chicks, and ask that question? Ultimately, my answer was women...(Age, Weight). But that was beside the point. Men dont necessarily lie, they just leave out details. Whatever. So this fucking dude had to be the MOST ANNOYING pain in the ass ever. He repeatedly tried to take pictures with his stupid camera phone. He must have a really flattering photo of my hand. Anyway, he then says, "lets play Fuck, Marry, Kill". Granted, we are in a bar, with really lighting. I honestly can't judge this game based on looks alone. So that's definately out of the question. Now, he's like, so what are you for halloween, HELLO, I'm not fucking dressed up. AT ALL. I rebutted with "i'm a bitch" ;-) This guy had no clue. He ran off to go buy a drink, so my friend and I went out side to smoke. When we returned, so did he. Poor bastard. It was at that point, when my friend went into this long dissertation on how flies are annoying, and made the comparision between him and a fly. He didn't get it....We decided it was best to ignore him.
Whatever.....The bar scene really really isn't my thing. But it was fun anyhow. I must say, that some women really give us all a bad bad name. Bar bathrooms aren't the cleanest place in the world, but damn damn damn damn some chicks are just fucking disgusting. I'm not going to get into all the gory details. But lets just say, I would rather pee in a porto potty than in that bathroom. To add insult to injury, there was a girl in there, taking pictures of the disgusting mess....wonder if she's going to post it to her blog???
Carved pumpkins last night with Dylan. It was fun, and messy. Trick or Treat night tonite. I'm kinda dreading it, but at least the weather won't be totally cold.
Happy Monday!
15 February, 2008
Guilty As Charged....again...
Yes. Yes, I am. Of what you ask?? Sunglasses as a HAIR accessory. I know sunglasses are a regular accessory, but when did they become a hair accessory? I love sunglasses. I own quite a few pair. And I cherish them. However, I have noticed that I use them to keep the hair out of my face - AKA - HEADBAND. It was my understanding that headbands went out with rainbow brite, circa 1988?? So here I sit, sunglasses perched atop my head. Hair out of my face. Its glorious. But I can't help thinking that they shouldn't be there. They belong on my face, where they are intended to go.
I used to criticize people for doing this, and yet, I've become one of them. I'm ashamed. But, I know that I'm not going to stop now. I can't. I'm addicted. I need my sunglasses all the time. Yes even at night. My crutch. My sunglasses.
Another thing I'm guilty of:
My clothing occupies every closet in my house (yes even Dylans). I have racks of clothes in my basement too. The clothes in the closet are soooo jam packed that if you some how managed to get the hangar off, the article of clothing would stay put - sans hangar. Its not that I can't throw anything out, or donate it...Ok thats what it is. I love my clothes. All of them. And I can honestly say that the fashions I possess aren't outdated. Timeless. I swear. I've run out of space. I'm seriously considering selling my house for one with more closets. I remember when I used to watch House Hunters on HGTV, how I would mock people who didn't buy a particular house due to the closet space. Closet space wasn't a factor when I bought my house. Now, I wish it had been. I'm thinking addition to the house, or sell for more closets..............
Yes. Yes, I am. Of what you ask?? Sunglasses as a HAIR accessory. I know sunglasses are a regular accessory, but when did they become a hair accessory? I love sunglasses. I own quite a few pair. And I cherish them. However, I have noticed that I use them to keep the hair out of my face - AKA - HEADBAND. It was my understanding that headbands went out with rainbow brite, circa 1988?? So here I sit, sunglasses perched atop my head. Hair out of my face. Its glorious. But I can't help thinking that they shouldn't be there. They belong on my face, where they are intended to go.
I used to criticize people for doing this, and yet, I've become one of them. I'm ashamed. But, I know that I'm not going to stop now. I can't. I'm addicted. I need my sunglasses all the time. Yes even at night. My crutch. My sunglasses.
Another thing I'm guilty of:
My clothing occupies every closet in my house (yes even Dylans). I have racks of clothes in my basement too. The clothes in the closet are soooo jam packed that if you some how managed to get the hangar off, the article of clothing would stay put - sans hangar. Its not that I can't throw anything out, or donate it...Ok thats what it is. I love my clothes. All of them. And I can honestly say that the fashions I possess aren't outdated. Timeless. I swear. I've run out of space. I'm seriously considering selling my house for one with more closets. I remember when I used to watch House Hunters on HGTV, how I would mock people who didn't buy a particular house due to the closet space. Closet space wasn't a factor when I bought my house. Now, I wish it had been. I'm thinking addition to the house, or sell for more closets..............
12 February, 2008
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